Adventures in Paradise 21
Kia orana, everyone! Our excellent adventure continues with some thoughts on human nature. It is human nature to want to fit in; to be of a part of a group; to belong. We long to be liked and to be included. I know of few people who would willingly choose not to receive an invitation, or who would prefer to be on the outside looking in. For most of us, it’s just the way we are.
Ward and I are no exception. We are trying to learn a little more Maori each week so that we will fit in. We make an effort to express some excitement over yet another plate of boiled taro served at a kai kai. We have tried to anticipate and accept the island time-table, where the rule is to generally add at least half an hour to one’s arrival time. “Don’t worry sista!” We try not to be too perturbed when our mail is delivered to and is opened by someone else. After all, we are all friends, are we not? Loving the people is a huge help in the quest for being accepted and fitting it, but it has its challenges. We have often wondered how our friends here perceive us. Are we viewed as true friends or simply as the interlopers who must be tolerated. We were touched when at least a partial answer came to us last week.
It was evening and Ward and I were sitting under the “gossip tree” on the chapel grounds. We were chatting and laughing with the people gathered there and there was a lot a good-natured joking. At one point, one of the women pointed to our car and said, “The only thing white about you is that van over there!” What was that? Was she saying that she thought of us as one of them? A transformation had taken place! Yes! We all had moved from a place where we noticed each other’s differences to one where those differences no longer mattered or existed. It was too dark for our friends to see that Ward and I were both wiping away a few tears. I did neglect to mention, that Ward's legs were far "whiter" than even our van! But, that is another story altogether.
This need to fit in has taught me valuable lessons over the years. Sometimes, those lessons have been painful, but I am learning. When I was about fourteen, like most teenage girls, I desperately wanted to be accepted. I believe, looking back that it wasn’t that I so much needed to be part of this particular group of girls, rather, I was afraid to be perceived as NOT being part of the group. Does anyone relate to this? I hope so. These girls had decided to play a prank on one of my friends. The idea was that they would tell this girl a joke that made no sense. If my friend didn’t laugh, they could indicate that she was too stupid to “get it” and thus embarrass her in front of others. If she laughed with the rest of the group, pretending to “get it”, they would point out in front of others that there really was no joke and she had laughed at nothing, because she was stupid. My choice at this point was to inform my friend of the deception or go along with the joke. Sadly, I chose to go along with the joke and I did not support my friend. I laughed with the rest of the group, even when I saw the hurt on my friend’s face. Almost immediately, I regretted my decision. I agonized over it and the pain that I had caused her for a long time. Finally, I realized that in order to make it right, I had to confess to my friend and ask for her forgiveness. Thankfully, she forgave me and we moved on. She is still my friend today and to be truthful, I cannot remember the names of the other girls. Who they were doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s who I am that matters.
We had a remarkable experience last Friday. We were asked at the last minute (this is not unusual) to teach a Bible class at the local high school. Every second Friday, representatives from different denominations are invited to come to school and speak to the students. The speakers choose their own subjects and the students are free to attend any presentation that they like. I would not be honest if I said that we felt no pressure. Who wants to go and be the presenter with the empty room? Not us! What if we gave a party and no one came? Why did we say yes? We had a little over an hour to prepare and I will freely admit to praying very hard for the next few minutes!
The end of the story is that we had a full house and there were even young people listening from outside the classroom. I found myself talking about choices that we make and how they affect our lives. I told the story of how I met Ward and how important it was to me that he had a lifetime of good choices that show people who he is. We talked about being good examples to others and how not to be influenced by the bad choices of others. We talked a little about demanding respect from the opposite sex, by first being respectful to ones self. We talked about being planted and being strong enough not to be swayed by the need to fit in. I thought to bring Ward’s suit coat with us. I told the audience to suspend belief and to “pretend” that they had never seen a coat before. This was something that could keep them warm, but how in the world do you use it? Each student was to give only one direction on how to “use” the coat. One told me to put an arm through the sleeve. So I put my right arm through the left sleeve from the outside! So the next person tried to undo what the first person had said and so on. Nothing they told me to do worked, and they were getting very frustrated. Finally one young man, shouted out, “Just show how to do it!” Yes, how profound. So, he came to the front of the class and in one second had put on the coat and “showed” the rest how it should be done. Actions speak louder than words. You don’t really have to listen to what people say, when you can observe what they do. We heard later, that some young men were talking about the fact that they had never considered that you could love someone because of the choices that they make. Several young people have since thanked us for our message and we will be going back in a fortnight (two weeks, to you Americans). Oh, did I mention, that the talk we prepared after saying our prayer at home, was never given?
Last Sunday, we hosted a cottage meeting for young people and their leaders. I think that they like to come here because we have air conditioning! At any rate, there were about forty people in the house learning and talking about being good examples. We were touched that two of these young people actually mentioned our visit to their school on Friday and how much they had appreciated our message. During the evening, I happened to step outside and I was so taken by what I saw that I just had to snap a photo. This is the only picture that we are including in this weeks blog. I will leave the caption up to you, but might I suggest that this again speaks to the concept of not being afraid to be who you are when all others or trying to fit in.
As always, we are happy and trying to work hard. We are also trying to find a good fit in our new lives here and hope that your lives fit you as well. We are so glad to know you and we appreciate the examples that you have been to us in so many ways. We always enjoy hearing from you when you have a moment.We are grateful for the opportunity to make our own choices and for the gift of being able to correct our mistakes and move ahead.
Love, Ward and Susan Elder and Sister Belliston, serving in the Cook Islands
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